Horroscopes
While I wouldn't say that the Onion horroscopes have ever been my favorite portion of the Onion, I have always found them enjoyable. Beyond that, I felt that they were the section of the paper that I would be most profiecent in writiting. As such I have always wanted to try writing them, and have done just that. Now I am sure they will not be as good as the onions... they have a whole team of writers and probobly write about 100 every week and only keep the best 12, where as I just used the first 12 I thought of. But I have made my list, and while they are not all great there are a few good ones in there. Anyway I'll allow you all to judge for yourself:
Aries: Your bookie's decsision to break your legs will seem somewhat extreme seeing as how all you owe him is a stick of gum.
Taurus: Although you were already somwhat disgusted by your sexual fantasies about Gilbert Godfrey, you will be even more distrubed when you remember that he is your father.
Gemini: You will be labled as "misguided" when you attempt to prove that whales are mammels by giving every damn one of the rabbies.
Cancer: You will stop lauging at the ludacris sentance the judge hands down when someone explains to you what the phrase "drawn and quartered" means.
Leo: Your race for governor will be hurt when you sign a petition to "save the bears of Montana", not realizing that "bears of Montana" refers to a local gay strip club.
Virgo: The Time is right, Saturns moons are alligned, get off your fat ass and make me some popcorn!
Libra: Your death will be seen as either tragic or heroic depending on wheter or not that couch was really worth saving.
Scorpio: A trip to a local mental health facilaty will teach you that women do in fact go crazy for a sharp dressed man.
Sagittarius: You will meet a very attractive member of the opposite sex, too bad you are extremely, extremely gay.
Capricorn: You will face challanges this week when your plan to introduce New Wave music to the tribe goes horibally awry.
Aquarius: You will begin to understand how a man ears a nickname like "sodomizing Rodney".
Pices: You would have better luck with women if you would stop telling them all that you're Danna Carvey... you are clearly David Spade.
Aries: Your bookie's decsision to break your legs will seem somewhat extreme seeing as how all you owe him is a stick of gum.
Taurus: Although you were already somwhat disgusted by your sexual fantasies about Gilbert Godfrey, you will be even more distrubed when you remember that he is your father.
Gemini: You will be labled as "misguided" when you attempt to prove that whales are mammels by giving every damn one of the rabbies.
Cancer: You will stop lauging at the ludacris sentance the judge hands down when someone explains to you what the phrase "drawn and quartered" means.
Leo: Your race for governor will be hurt when you sign a petition to "save the bears of Montana", not realizing that "bears of Montana" refers to a local gay strip club.
Virgo: The Time is right, Saturns moons are alligned, get off your fat ass and make me some popcorn!
Libra: Your death will be seen as either tragic or heroic depending on wheter or not that couch was really worth saving.
Scorpio: A trip to a local mental health facilaty will teach you that women do in fact go crazy for a sharp dressed man.
Sagittarius: You will meet a very attractive member of the opposite sex, too bad you are extremely, extremely gay.
Capricorn: You will face challanges this week when your plan to introduce New Wave music to the tribe goes horibally awry.
Aquarius: You will begin to understand how a man ears a nickname like "sodomizing Rodney".
Pices: You would have better luck with women if you would stop telling them all that you're Danna Carvey... you are clearly David Spade.
posted by Blake Stockdale at 3:21 PM
3 Comments:
Your horoscopes are ridiculous! My bookie owes ME a stick of gum!
I am already well aware of that seeing as I am in fact your bookie.
True...spearmint by tomorrow or you'll never see you daughter alive again...
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